


we could have it all

by hannahsviolets



Category: Degrassi
Genre: F/M, yes its set in a cheesy way bye
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-17 09:34:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9316001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahsviolets/pseuds/hannahsviolets
Summary: Following a rough breakup with Tristan, Miles realizes he made a mistake in breaking things off with Lola. In order to prove to her he's worth giving a second chance, he spends the second half of his senior year writing her a musical so epic, he's sure they'll end up together.





	1. Like The Sun Came Out

Miles laid out three copies of the playbill for _I.M Hope_ on his bedside table, right next to his framed photo of himself and Tristan at the fair from last year. He took the photo out of his frame, stared at it for a few moments and then shoved it into his top drawer. There was no use for it anymore.

The playbills, however, would bring him the joy and the comfort that Tristan had for so long. They couldn't walk away – or roll away – and leave him for the promise of a better life. Miles closed his eyes and tried to do what his therapist had told him to when he felt like he couldn't breathe – think of the things that made him happy. A memory of playing Horse in the driveway with Hunter and Frankie runs through his mind, and he sees their kind smiles brighten up the cloud of darkness above their heads – but only briefly. He opened his eyes and took a long, deep breath. _It's okay, you're okay._

The reality of it was that he wasn't alright, he just had to keep thinking those words over and over to convince himself that things would improve. A month out of the hospital, Tristan had dumped him. "I thought I could understand, get over it, but I can't," he'd said and then slipped his hand out of Miles's. He'd explained that his parents were transferring him to a different school that was better equipped to handle his condition. "I'll go with you," Miles had said. "Don't," Tristan had responded. It was pathetic the way that Miles had cried, begged him not to leave, begged him to be able to forgive him. And yet, Tristan had just avoided eye contact and said one more thing: "I'm doing what's best for me. You should too."

It had been a week and Miles still didn't know what he'd meant by that. The entirety of that week had been spent lying in bed, resisting the urge to light up a joint and biting his fingernails into nubs; the entire time, all he'd thought about was Tristan and how badly he'd fucked things up. He always fucked things up, it was like it was the basis of who he was as a person. For so long, he'd hoped and prayed that Tristan would be able to look past his label as a fuck up, but it looked like he'd finally figured out that he could do better. If he'd never cheated, if he'd never written a goddamn play about another person, things between them could've gotten back to normal.

But after a week of feeling sorry for himself, Winston had brought him some pizza and they'd eaten it while discussing trivial things like the weather and Winston's "Armstrong is gay" theory. Right before he'd left, he'd put his hand on Miles's shoulder and said, "You've survived everything life's thrown at you. I know you can survive this,"

It left him thinking about life more clearly than he had been since those awful words had left Tristan's mouth. At the base of the pain and the hurt and the fuckedup-ness, Miles _was_ a survivor. He didn't run on messing things up, he ran on a subconscious need to keep pushing forward. He'd been through his father's abuse, crippling anxiety, drug addiction and suicidal tendencies and here he was, still standing. In retrospect, being dumped was nothing compared to all of those things.

So now, he just felt nothing. He didn't feel anger at Tristan or disappointment in himself, he just felt numb. It's a strange feeling, but not one he's unfamiliar to. Miles knows that the numbness will inevitably turn to a breakdown – all he has to do now is wait for it.

He considered replacing the frame that contained Tristan's photo just minutes ago, but decided against it. It all still felt too fresh. Miles sat down on his bed and ran a hand through his freshly cut hair. He looked down at the mattress beneath him – it felt like just yesterday that Lola Pacini laid here, kissing his neck and running her hands up and down his back. How quickly things change.

There was a loud knock at his door that tore him away from his thoughts and seconds later, it was followed by the appearance of his sister. "Miles, I need you to drive me to Lola's,"

Oh, the irony.

"Can't you get Hunter to? I'm busy,"

She raised her eyebrows. "Doing what? Sitting there doing nothing? And besides, Hunter's at Vijay's."

Miles sighed. "Fine. You know, one of these days, Mom and Dad really need to get you your own car,"

"Yeah, well, it seems the men in this house get far more freedom then the women do," Frankie crossed her arms over her chest and watched as Miles pulled on a jacket and his shoes.

They walked down to the garage in silence, Frankie texting and Miles staring straight ahead, anxious and afraid that somehow she was going to find out about him and Lola. Somehow, Frankie finding out was far worse then anyone else realizing something had gone on between them. Perhaps it was the trust Frankie placed in him, the childlike part of her that thought that her big brother would make everything okay for her. It wasn't as if Miles could blame her for that, he'd spent so long trying to earn the trust of his younger siblings, and now that they were finally in a good place, he was going to do whatever he could not to mess it up.

"Are you feeling any better?" Frankie finally asked once they were on the road.

Miles bit his lip. "I don't know,"

"What does that mean?"

He thought about it for a moment, choosing his words carefully. He stared off at the road so that he wouldn't have to decipher what her facial expressions meant. "Do you remember when you thought I was addicted to pot?"

She laughed, embarrassed at the memory. "Unfortunately, yes,"

"I smoked so much to . . . numb the pain, I guess. That way I didn't have to think about how hurt and angry I was. It's the same this time, except I'm not smoking anything. I just feel numb,"

Frankie nodded. "Are you sure you're not smoking anything?"

He hid his eye roll. "Yes, I'm sure,"

"Sorry. But you know, you never tell me when you're using. I have to just figure it out for myself,"

"I never tell you because you don't need to know,"

It was then that Frankie placed her phone on her lap and focused her attention purely on her brother. "You don't need to suffer in silence. You can talk to me – I want you to talk to me,"

"Suffer in silence? That something you heard in therapy?"

She squinted her eyes and sat back up straight. " _No._ I read it in a self-help book. I've been reading a lot of them since Jonah and I broke up. Actually, I think it's normal that you're not feeling upset anymore. I cried over Jonah for so long and now I'm over it. It's high school. People break up,"

"Yeah, but me and Tristan . . . he always talked about us like we were gonna be forever and then he just ended it. I should still be upset,"

"You cried for a week. That's enough,"

Miles shook his head. "I don't feel _anything_ , Frankie, you don't get it. Ever since I stopped crying, I haven't been able to feel happy or sad or angry or anything. I just exist. Is that how you feel?"

"No," said Frankie. "I don't think I've ever felt like that,"

He turned the corner to the Pacinis' cul de sac. The family lived in a middle class neighborhood, their home painted bright purple, making it stand out from the others. Lola's eccentric father had painted the shutters a bright gold the year before to match the cantina. The sight of the place should've made Miles shake his head or think it odd, but all he could think about was Frankie and her finding out about what had gone on between him and Lola. Still though, the worry was deep seeded, and he wasn't torn up over it anymore like he had been for the past few months. It didn't even feel like worry – it just felt like a thought passing through his mind.

"Thanks for the ride," said Frankie, throwing her bag over her shoulder as Miles pulled into the driveway. She turned to him a final time. "Just remember you've got me and Hunter no matter what, okay?"

He nodded. "I know. You have fun,"

Before Frankie could even get out of the car, out of the house and down the steps came the blue haired, four foot eleven Lola Pacini. She was grinning so brightly that her smile took up almost the entirety of her face and the moment Miles laid eyes on her, it seemed as if everything in his vision blew up in colors. No more were the dark clouds and in there place were thousands of rainbows. Lola's shriek of "Frankie! You're never gonna guess what Shay heard about Tommy Morris!" erupted in his ears and the sound of her voice unlocked something deep within him.

The sound of the car door slamming brought Miles back into reality, but only for the briefest of moments. Lola grabbed Frankie's arm and turned to look back at him and their eye contact made Miles's heart jump in his chest. He watched the two of them walk inside, focusing on the way Lola's pigtails bobbed up and down. He remembered the feeling of her hair in his hands and the way she used to look at him as if he hung the stars in the sky. And then suddenly he wasn't in the Pacinis' driveway, but back in his bedroom, holding Lola close to him, listening to the steady beating of her heart. She seemed so peaceful with her arms wrapped around his chest, snoring soundly.

He thought then that those times with Lola were the best of his life.

And seeing her just then, after basking in solitude for a week, made him _feel_ again. It was like the sun came up. She was the light at the end of the long tunnel of darkness that had been his entire life.

_"Te ves hoy linda muy," he'd said to her in the hallway as she applied an extra coat of lip-gloss. They hadn't seen each other yet that day and Miles had wanted to impress her with the Spanish he'd been learning._

_Her cheeks turned red but still, she shook her head. "Te ves muy linda hoy," she corrected him._

_"Ah, gracias," said Miles, shoving his hands into his pockets. He had been feeling more cocky than usual that day._

_"I told you, you don't have to learn the language to work at a restaurant," she'd explained. "Half our employees don't know a word of Spanish,"_

_"Yeah, but you know me, always going the extra mile," he leaned up against the locker next to hers as she closed her own gently. "Plus I want to be able to talk to you without other people knowing what I'm saying,"_

_"Oh, really? And what would you want to say to me that other people shouldn't hear?"_

_He bit his lip. "I guess you'll just have to wait and find out,"_

Miles smiled at the memory. He'd tried not to think of Lola since Tristan woke up, but it was times like this where he wished he'd thought of her every day. Maybe then, he wouldn't have shut himself in for so long. Lola made him happy, happier then he'd ever been. She inspired him, just the sight of her unleashed the best parts of him. Maybe he'd been wrong to choose Tristan – maybe just because he'd been his sick boyfriend didn't mean anything. Maybe Lola was better for him than Tristan had ever been. He'd really made a mistake when he'd left her, abandoned her like she was nothing. He needed to fix that and he needed to fix it now.

 


	2. Fight For Me

6 AM on a Monday morning was always the worst time of the week for Miles. This morning specifically was worse than usual, because he was making his return to school after a week of being absent. His teachers were sure to give him shit – "I thought you'd changed, Mr. Hollingsworth. I thought you were finally becoming responsible," – but that certainly wasn't going to be the worst part. Tristan had always called them Degrassi's power couple and because of Tristan's increased popularity following his accident, everyone was sure to be aware of their breakup. Miles had convinced himself time and time again that he didn't care about what other people thought of him, but at this point, he could admit to himself that it was bullshit. He didn't know if he was going to be able to take the whisperings in the hallway and the pitied looks from his acquaintances.

On the other hand though, going to school today meant that he would get to see Lola.

It also meant seeing Zoe, who was waiting for him when he walked into first period History. She was sitting on top of his desk, sipping her latte with her legs crossed. It was a typical Zoe pose, one that said only one thing – "you're in trouble."

Although the two had become close over the past year or so, Miles was pretty certain that Zoe was going to be team Tristan. He wasn't sure _why._ By leaving, Tristan had abandoned her too. Somehow Miles was going to end up the bad guy in this situation. He could already hear Zoe in his ear with her "You pushed him away! You cheated! You were too cocky! This is all your fault!"

Those of course, weren't the exact words out of Zoe's mouth, but he could sense them. "You didn't answer my texts,"

"That's because I was ignoring them," The notifications he'd received from Zoe had all said pretty much the same thing. Questions about the break up, questions about Tristan, and then this morning, ones about whether or not he was coming to the airport to drop Tristan off.

"You really didn't want to come see Tristan off after all you've been through together?"

"Why would I? He broke up with me," he reminded her.

Tristan had invited him to both his going away party and to the airport as a "final goodbye." Miles hadn't seen the point of attending either of them. He didn't need any more reminders that such a big part of his life was over and that yet another person he loved was leaving him.

Zoe took a seat at the desk next to him. "I know, but . . . still. You still meant a lot to him, you couldn't do this one thing just for him?"

 _Don't get angry. Don't yell. You're not dad._ "I waited by his bedside for three whole months. That was 'just for him' and it wasn't enough,"

"You're not allowed to use that excuse anymore," Zoe narrowed her eyes at him. "Because we both know where all that waiting led you,"

"I thought you said you weren't gonna use that against me,"

"I'm not using it against you. All I'm saying is, don't try and act like you were some perfect boyfriend because you weren't,"

"I know I wasn't, but I tried!" Perino looked up from his desk at Miles' loud tone and he quickly turned it down. "I tried so hard to make things work with him and it was never ever good enough. He held me to an impossible standard,"

"That's not true," said Zoe, but Miles could see in her eyes that she knew it was.

"Yes, it is and you know it. All he ever wanted was some hot piece of ass that he could control and show off to everyone," Miles was being far more aggressive then he wanted to be. He couldn't control it – he was finally releasing _years_ of pent up anger and frustration.

"You sure think highly of yourself," Zoe scoffed.

"Yeah, well, I'm the only one,"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that no matter what I do, you and my dad and Frankie and Hunter and especially Tristan all make me look like a monster!"

"Quiet down, Hollingsworth, class has begun," said Perino the second the bell rang. It really was no use though, as the entire room had focused its attention on Miles and Zoe.

"Give me a second," he held up his hand in Perino's direction which earned a couple of gasps from the annoying goody two shoes side of the room. Zoe was looking at him with glassy eyes. It was a look that he recognized, one that she gave him when she knew something was very, very wrong. "All anybody ever does is tell me what I did wrong! What about Tristan, huh? What about him? Did you forget about him publicly shaming me in front of the whole school? Constantly telling me that my 'fluidity' isn't real? I guess you did, huh? Or maybe you didn't, because it's just easier to make the bisexual look like the bad guy,"

Miles stood up, pushing his desk a full few inches in front of him and grabbed his bag. "That was quite a show, but you've still got detention," Perino called after him. Miles was tempted to flip him off, but thought the better of it. He was in enough trouble as it was.

Instead of losing it even further, he found the nearest bathroom and shut himself in a stall, collapsing to the floor. He didn't know what had come over him or why he'd reached a boiling point so quickly. He thought he was better, he thought he was fine now. He wasn't supposed to act out like this anymore – he had responsibilities, people he was supposed to take care of. He wasn't just some stupid punk kid anymore . . . or maybe he was.

Maybe everything that Tristan and Zoe and his family said about him was true. Actually, no. It _was_ all true. Time after time, Miles had tried to change and be better, but each time he'd failed miserably. Take just now, for example. Ever since what happened to Zoe at his party . . . happened . . . he'd promised himself he would never let anything happen to her ever again. And now here he was, screaming her head off in the middle of class. All he ever did was make things worse for everyone.

Like Lola.

Especially Lola.

Miles absentmindedly dug his fingers into his skin. _You never deserved her, not even for a second,_ came the voice in the back of his head that sounded a hell of a lot like his dad. _Just like you didn't deserve Maya or Zoe or Esme or Tristan._

And then the voice was replaced with Lola's, soft and sweet. _You know, Miles, you're really nice. And sweet. And despite what everybody says, you're more than just a pretty face._ His eyes opened at the memory. Yes, Lola had actually said those words to him one amazing day that they'd spent underneath a tree in the park.

Lola didn't think he was a screw up.

Key word was 'didn't' because she didn't then, but after everything had happened, she definitely did. But that's why he'd even come in today, wasn't it? To try and get her back? To try and show her that he was worthy of giving a second chance? Yes, it was. Lola was the one person who didn't completely hate him. She was the one person who thought that he was fine just being himself.

Next period he had a free period, so thankfully, he could spend it thinking some more. Well, doing that, and hiding from everyone who'd just seen him throw a hissy fit. The whole school probably knew about it by now. _Stop caring about what other people think._ It was really no use because doing that was practically impossible.

Between periods, he grabbed his jacket from his locker so that he could go for a walk and clear his head. Before he could even open it, Zoe appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his hand roughly. She began leading him down the hallway until they reached a bench and sat him down. Miles really wasn't in the mood to fight again. He told himself that no matter what Zoe said to him, he'd just listen and take it.

But the words she did say surprised him. "I'm sorry,"

His head practically jerked up. "What?"

"I'm sorry,"

"I'm the one who should be apologizing," he spat out quickly. "I yelled at you in front of everyone over nothing, I totally embarrassed you,"

She nodded. "Yeah, you did. But it wasn't exactly unwarranted."

He raised an eyebrow, confused.

"Maybe I should've been more understanding – I'm trying to be more understanding," she explained. It sounded like it was physically paining her to be nice to him, genuinely nice to him. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was biting the inside of her mouth, looking like she was trying to force something out. Miles noticed this and shook his head.

"It's fine. We don't have to – "

"Your sexuality is real and valid," The sentence came our quickly, so fast that Miles had to pause and make sure that he'd heard her right. Zoe stared at him with intensity, praying that he wouldn't drag this out, that he understood what she meant.

Miles did understand. In her own way, Zoe was saying "You're right. Tristan didn't treat you right and I get why you were hurt. I didn't mean to attack you like that and I didn't mean to make you feel like it had anything to do with your sexuality. I'll stay in my lane next time." He got Zoe's message clearly. He smiled and squeezed her hand. For a split second, she squeezed his hand back and for that split second, it felt like they'd agreed on something bigger then just bisexuality being real. Something that felt a lot like friendship.

* * *

Being in a good place with Zoe gave Miles the confidence to wait by Lola's locker for her before lunch. The first step to getting her back into his life was just to talk to her first, wasn't it? They hadn't spoken since the night of the play (not counting their conversations in Miles's head).

He lit up the second he spotted Lola walking towards him. She looked like an angel, or some other kind of ethereal figure, walking down the hallway with a bounce in her step. The bouncing however, stopped when when she saw him standing there. She gave him a slight onceover and took a visible deep breath before approaching him.

"Hi, Miles," she said quietly, going to open her locker.

"Afternoon. You look nice today,"

Her cheeks turned pink and she looked down at her combination. It was very obvious that Lola was doing her best not to look at him, as if looking at him would spark some instant connection between them.

It wasn't in Miles's nature to give up so easily, though. Once Lola opened her locker, he grabbed her Math textbook from the top shelf and handed it to her. She gave him a thin-lipped smile and gathered the remainder of her things, wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible. "You want to eat lunch together today?"

It was this that broke Lola's demeanor. She chuckled an obvious fake laugh and turned to him. "So, that's it? Your boyfriend dumps you and suddenly you have time for me?"

"No," he shook his head. "I just – I miss you. I thought that you know, maybe you missed me too,"

"Why would you think that?" she closed her locker and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Because . . . we – we were friends,"

Lola fake laughed again. "Friends? Do you knock up all your friends?"

Miles blushed. He wasn't sure why, being discreet wasn't exactly his thing. "Okay, so were more than friends. A lot more. I realize that now and I . . . I want it back,"

Her lip quivered. "You really think I'm that pathetic? You really think that I'd take you back just like that, after everything? You wouldn't even be here if Tristan hadn't dumped you,"

"That's not true," he said, in the same voice Zoe had used earlier when she'd said the same thing.

"It is true. I love myself first and I'm not going to fall back into you just because you're . . ." she motioned up and down. " . . . tall and good looking and pretty . . ."

"You think I'm pretty?" he smirked.

"That's beside the point. The point is that I'm done being a second choice,"

Miles could feel himself losing control of the situation. His charm wasn't going to be able to pull him out of this one and that alone was enough to make him care ten times more. Lola being unwilling to go back to before just enhanced the feelings he already had for her, it proved how strong and independent she was. He reached forward and put his hand on her shoulder. "What can I do then, huh? What can I do to get back in your life?"

Lola stayed silent for a moment, pausing on his words. "Fight for me," she said and then turned away, walking down the hallway.


	3. Blame It On The Alcohol

Perhaps the only down side to being friends with Zoe was that she was always in a relationship and no matter what, he always felt like an awkward third wheel around her. He now knew how Winston must've felt during the later years of middle school and the earlier years of high school. A few days after his conversation with Lola, Miles was at The Dot after school, seated across from Zoe and Rasha who were playing with each other's hair and giggling even though nothing was funny. They were supposed to be working on their science homework together, but all of their assignments sans his laid beneath coffee and donuts, completely untouched.

Miles could hardly concentrate anyway. The only thoughts in his brain were of Lola and the way her hair bounced when she walked down the hallway and how her laugh had sounded when he spilled food on her that one time. He would give almost anything to hear that laugh again. It had seemed special, like maybe she was saving it just for him. What could he do to make her happy again? Maybe he could buy her something? What was her favorite brand of makeup again?

"Stop staring at us, dumbass," said a voice. Miles blinked and took his chin off of his hand, to see that he had been unknowingly staring at Zoe and Rasha during his daydream. Zoe had her eyebrow raised and her head cocked to the side, giving him a dirty look.

"Sorry . . . I wasn't paying attention . . ." he explained.

"A likely story," said Zoe.

"Trust me, if I wanted to check out a couple of cute girls, it wouldn't be you two," Miles quipped, eliciting a small smile from Zoe.

It was odd to think that not even two years ago, he and Zoe were seeing each other in a non platonic way, and even odder to think that they'd had sex. It gave him a chill up his spine to even think of her that way at this point. He wondered if Zoe felt the same way, but decided against bringing it up.

"I need to get some new friends," he said instead. "Being a third wheel is so not my thing,"

"You have plenty of friends!" Rasha insisted. "Everybody likes you,"

He smirked. "That doesn't mean they're my friends,"

"What about Winston? Or Lola? During the play, you two were inseparable,"

Miles blushed and turned away, looking anywhere but at the girls in front of him. Zoe caught on to this and cooed. "Are your cheeks turning red or are you just happy to see me?"

"Shut up," he muttered, writing gibberish on to his paper in hopes it would distract him.

"What did I say? I don't get it," Rasha looked to Zoe.

"You don't listen to rumors, do you?" Zoe asked her. Her girlfriend shook her head. "Miles and Lola hooked up,"

Rasha gasped, putting both of her hands to her mouth and practically squealing. Miles hushed her. "Oh, I knew it! Well, I didn't know it. I kind of did. This one time, you bent over and I saw her checking you out and I thought, 'hmmm, maybe Lola likes him' but I didn't think anything of it, but I should've! That's so cute! Tell me everything!"

Zoe grinned at her excitement. Miles wrapped his hands around the back of his head. "No thanks,"

"You're such a baby," Zoe groaned. She put her hand on top of Rasha's. "It's basically just exactly what happened in the play – the original version. Not the version Miles edited to death. They texted, they oomfchatted, they did it. And then Miles dumped her. Hard,"

"Shut up, I did not," He didn't know why he said that, because it was true. There was no point in lying.

"And didn't you see Lola's vlog? She had an abortion. Meaning Daddy over here put a bun in her oven at some point,"

"We only did it one time!" he argued.

Zoe rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you were dumb enough not to use protection. Actually, scratch that, I can believe it,"

He casually flipped her off and took a bite of his donut. "I just wasn't thinking. I was – caught up in the moment or whatever you want to call it,"

"Lies. I bet you spent a good week fantasizing about her pussy,"

Rasha cackled at this and Miles shook his head, choosing to ignore the comment. Mostly because she was right.

"So then what happened? It just ended? Is that why you changed the play?"

"It ended because I had a boyfriend," Miles reminded her.

Rasha nodded. "Ah, I see. So she was 'the other woman?' Or I guess 'the only woman?' I think she really liked you. She must be sad,"

"Gee, thanks, Rasha. I really needed that," he noted sarcastically.

Zoe took the donut out of Miles's hand and took a bite from it. "And now little boy blue is back to being his old blue self,"

"What does that mean?" asked Miles.

"It means you miss her,"

Damn Zoe for being so intuitive. Damn Zoe for being able to pick up on everything and damn the world for making the two of them so similar that they could often feel the other's feelings just by sitting next to them.

"So what if I do? It's not like anything's ever going to happen again. I fucked it up. I always do,"

Rasha shook his leg lightly. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want something, go get it,"

"That's not the best advice for this one," said Zoe and Miles felt a sting in his chest. He knew that she was referring to everything they'd been through near the beginning of their sophomore year. He felt bad for a moment, but then thought better of it. He'd changed since then. Or at least changed enough.

"Lola's just . . . she's different. She's not like anyone I've ever been with. She's not going to just forgive me if I wink at her or if I text her an emoji or something,"

"You had to work to get Tristan back last year. Just do the same thing," Zoe suggested.

Miles shook his head. "No – with Tristan, it was like he always had all the power our second time around. I can't have another relationship like that, I don't want her to control me,"

"So you want to control her?"

"No! I just . . . can't we be on the same level? Can't we be equals?"

Zoe bit her lip. "Do you want the truth?"

He nodded. Why not?

"You have no idea how to be in a relationship. Aside from the months you spent being Tristan's little lap dog, every relationship you've had has been tumultuous because you're unstable, while still maintaining complete control of the other person. You can't be in a good relationship, Miles. It's just not who you are,"

Rasha made a face. "Ouch,"

Miles wanted so badly to be able to deny this, to tell Zoe that he was normal and okay and that his relationships could be normal and okay but he knew in his heart that that wasn't true. Maybe it was the way he'd been raised, or maybe it was just _him._ Everyone that he'd previously thought of as fucked up – Zoe, Hunter, Esme – were all happy. They were all in nice relationships. Why couldn't he be like them? What was so wrong with him?

Everything.

And nothing was wrong with Lola. Lola was absolutely perfect.

 _You don't deserve her,_ came the voice that sounded like his father again. _You're a fuck up, destined to always be a fuck up. Stop dragging everyone else down with you._

Miles longed desperately for his pills then. He'd even settle for alcohol if he had to, but right now, he couldn't be in his own mind. He deserved to, though. He deserved to be in pain. Zoe was right. He destroyed everything he touched.

Rasha was staring at him with concern when he looked up. He appreciated it, but at the same time, he didn't. She was too kind for her own good. With all that she'd been through back home, how could she still pity him? The only war he was fighting was with himself. Zoe looked unconcerned, as she should. They'd always had the type of relationship where they could be brutally honest with each other. He would've done the same if he were her.

But that didn't mean that he could be around her right now. He felt the familiar weight on his chest that meant a panic attack was coming. The sweaty palms and the clenched throat served as a strong warning – "get out now." And so he did, practically jetting out of The Dot. Whether or not Zoe or Rasha called after him, he wasn't sure. He couldn't hear anything except for the ringing in his ears.

_You hurt everyone you care about. You're a disappointment. Everyone would be better off without you. Why do you have to be so stupid?!_

Miles just kept running, despite the fact that his car had been parked right outside. He couldn't drive right now – he couldn't do anything. He just needed to get far, far away, which wasn't easy as he could feel his feet giving out each step he took.

And then he was in an alley. He didn't know when he'd gotten there but he was and no one could see him fall to his knees and begin to cry as his chest collapsed. Miles's legs shook, trying to let out some of the tension and anxiety. It was no use, though. Everything in him felt like it was bursting at the seams and all he could do was wait until it was over. He _needed_ it all to be over.

What was it he usually did in these situations? Think of something happy? _Frankie. Hunter. Lola._ No. He didn't deserve any of them. They would all be far better off without him fucking up their lives because that's all he ever did.

And then suddenly, Miles didn't care about how dangerous relapsing could be. He didn't care about all the progress that he'd made. All he cared about was making the pain stop.

Alcohol. Now.

How to get it?

How did he used to get it?

Once the initial panic had died down a bit, Miles placed his head in his knees and tried to take deep breaths. That's what Esme used to tell him to do, wasn't it? For a fleeting moment, he wished that she was there beside him, her soothing voice talking him through this. She'd never left him. He'd fucked that relationship up all on his own – but of course he did. That's what he always fucking did.

After a good five minutes or so, Miles stood up. He looked down at what he was wearing – his signature salmon pants and a button up white shirt. He unbuttoned his shirt a little and tussled up his hair. The one thing he always had going for him was his looks. _That's all your good for,_ he thought. _Just a pretty face._

He walked a quarter mile until he reached a club that he and Esme had frequented junior year. And outside stood the bouncer – an overly muscled guy in his twenties with a fetish for teenage rich boys.

"Hey, Harry," Miles greeted him with his hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face.

The man turned to him and did a visible double take. "Miles? Haven't seen you around here in a while,"

Miles ignored the comment, choosing not to linger on it. He could get upset at himself later when he had some boos in hand. "Yeah, I uh, had other places to be, I guess. You miss me?"

"Yes," Harry was stupid. Flirting and banter weren't his strengths.

Miles leaned against the brick wall next to the door. He could hear the blaring music from inside clearly. Harry turned around so that they could face each other. "You think you could let me in?" Miles asked.

"You know I'm not allowed to do that,"

"You can't make an exception for me?" Harry shook his head. Miles touched the underside of the man's chin and then pulled away. "I can be quite persuasive, if you remember,"

"Oh, I remember," he chuckled.

Miles did his best not to roll his eyes. He needed this exchange to speed up. "Well then, can I persuade you some more?"

"You promise not to tell anyone? I'll get fired," said Harry.

Miles took the man's hand and squeezed it. "Of course,"

Harry looked around to make sure no one was around. Sure enough, the outside of the club was deserted. It was still pretty early, even for a Friday night. He nodded for Miles to follow him down the side of the building towards a back door. Miles couldn't even find it in him to smile. He wasn't proud of himself. He just wanted the alcohol so desperately, despite the consequences.

The two entered through the back and Harry led Miles into a closet across from the bathrooms. And then that was the end of the talking, of the fussing. All that really mattered was that in seconds the man's ugly dick was in Miles's mouth and within minutes Miles was wiping cum from his lips.

It was worth it once he was wiping tequila from his lips a half hour later. That was the best thing about being good looking and having money – never having to worry about getting anything. Well, except when it came down to people. People like Lola didn't care about money or looks. They cared about stupid shit like personality, things that Miles didn't have. What he did have was the ability to get completely shit faced and block out everything that didn't feel good.

The faces of the people around him blurred together until they all looked the same. The music drowned out until it sounded like white noise. He couldn't feel anything except the stale taste going down his throat and burning his insides. Burning was all there was to do anymore.

But maybe sometimes you do a little too much burning and the whole world turns black around you.

* * *

 

"Miles? Miles? Are you okay? Oh God, please don't be hurt! Are you alright? Miles?"

The darkness faded away and was replaced with a familiar voice, but one that didn't belong to his mother or Frankie, who usually woke him up every morning. His bed didn't feel too soft – this couldn't be his bed. It felt like concrete. Miles slowly blinked open his eyes, but God, fuck, did his head hurt. It felt like a panic attack, except the stabbing pain was in his head and not his chest.

"Miles?" the voice said again. His vision was blurry, but he would know the blue hair anywhere. Lola Pacini kneeled next to him, her delicate hands on his back. "Answer me. Please, are you okay?"

"Lola?" he managed out. His mouth tasted horrible. What the fuck had he done last night?

She let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God! What are you doing here, dummy?! Are you hungover?"

"I think . . ." Miles tried to move, but it just made his head pound more. Why was Lola here with him? He blinked a few times, making the image clearer. Behind Lola was the backdrop of what looked her Cantina. Yes, what was he doing here? How did he get here? It hurt to even fucking think. He must've followed through on getting wasted and passed out here. Just his luck that Lola would find him after another screw up. He didn't know what he could possibly say to her and he wasn't about to try. It would just worsen his headache.

Her hands on him were comforting. She rubbed her thumb over his skin and sighed, "Do you want to come in and have some coffee? Maybe then you'll feel better,"

The nice person buried deep within him said "no" but the real, louder part of him that would take any opportunity to spend time with Lola said "Yes, please,"

She helped him up. It felt odd having the small girl lift him up when he stood so much taller than her, but at the same time, it felt good. It made him feel safe. Lola's hand didn't leave his arm as she led him inside of the restaurant. She sat him down at a small table near the back of the kitchen. Miles looked around – there was no one else here.

"It's my job to open up on Saturdays. Your lucky my dad didn't find you. He would've called the cops," said Lola as she fooled around with the coffee maker.

"Saturday? What time is it?" asked Miles, confused.

"Around 8AM,"

Fuck. Miles pulled his phone out of his pocket, looking for any missed texts from his siblings. There were none. He shouldn't have been surprised, but it stung a little to know that they hadn't been worried about him. He only had one missed message from Zoe: _Where r u? Rasha's worried._

Which in Zoe language meant "I'm worried. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." Miles made a mental note to respond to her later when he could actually concentrate on something.

Lola sat down across from him as she waited on his coffee. "So . . . what were you doing last night? I know that it's none of my business, but aren't you, you know, sober now?"

The disappointment on her face was obvious. Fuck. It reminded him so much of when she'd tried to tell him she was pregnant months ago. The memory burned. He closed his eyes, lingering on it. He deserved to feel that pain.

"Yeah. I uh, I just . . . messed up, I guess," he said, folding his hands together. His voice was still groggy.

"Everyone messes up once in a while," she shrugged. God, she was so great. She didn't judge him, she understood him. He wanted to kiss her right then, but he didn't. Instead, he scratched at the back of his head.

"I don't mess up 'once in a while.' I mess up all the time, it's who I am," he explained, thinking of Zoe's words.

Lola stood up to pour him his coffee. "Why do you talk about yourself like that? You act all confident sometimes but then other times, you're like low self-esteem central. Did something happen?"

Everything.

"No," he said. "I guess I'm just realizing how much I suck,"

She made a face and handed him a mug. He nodded a thank you and took a long sip. Black coffee always did help him. If he wasn't so hungover, he would've remembered that he'd told Lola that once months ago and been grateful that she remembered.

"You don't suck," she took a seat. "Not always, anyway,"

"What do you mean?"

"Not everything about you is awful. Yeah, you can be a dick a lot of the time but . . . you're a good brother. I see how much you care about Frankie – and Hunter, too. And you care about other people too, so much that it eats at you. Most people wouldn't have sat at their boyfriend's side for so long, asking for nothing in return,"

"Fucked that up," Miles interrupted her.

"Like I said, everybody makes mistakes. It doesn't take away from who you are, okay? I know you and I know that beneath all the assholey-ness or whatever, you're nice. And you're sweet and you're smart and you're brave and you're funny. You're a good person, Miles, why can't you see that?"

Suddenly his headache didn't concern him anymore. "I never deserved you," left his lips before he could stop it.

She turned away. "Miles –"

"You're amazing. You've treated me better than anyone ever has and I didn't deserve it. I treated you like you were nothing which was total bullshit because you're everything to me. And I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry for everything that I did and for everything I will do and I just like you so much and you're so beautiful and you're so funny and I can't stop talking even though I sound like an idiot-"

Lola put her hand on top of his to shut him up. She was visibly blushing, which Miles took as a good sign. But still, the next words she said were quiet and calculated. ". . .it doesn't matter how I feel about you. We would never work. We're just too different,"

"I can change," he said, knowing full well he'd just told Zoe yesterday he wanted an equal power dynamic.

"I don't want you to change. I like you because you're you,"

"So you do like me?" he asked, shocked.

Her cheeks turned pink. "Your sister is my best friend. I have to work with your brother every week. Your family is like royalty around here – they'd never want you associated with me,"

Miles knew that 'they' meant his dad. "Fuck them. You're too good for my family. They'd be lucky to even be in the same room as you,"

"It's stupid," Lola continued. "And I know that you're sorry but I'm just scared that I'll get hurt again. Everybody leaves me. I don't want to get left anymore,"

 _Everybody leaves me too,_ he thought and it made him think of Esme. He shouldn't have said that awful thing to her when the same could've been said about himself. "Lola, I promise, if you give me a second chance, I'll never hurt you again,"

She didn't seem convinced. "I can't,"

He scrunched his eyebrows together, trying to think. "What was it you said the other day? You want me to fight for you?"

Lola nodded.

"Then that's what I'll do if I have to. I'll fight for you and then you'll see and then you'll know how much you mean to me,"

She giggled a little. "That rhymed,"

"There's tons more where that came from," he smiled, drinking his coffee some more. "I am a writer, remember?"

"Oh, do I. I did act out your love note to your precious Tristan," the bitterness in her tone wasn't hidden well.

"I wrote it for you," said Miles. Lola immediately looked up.

"No, you didn't," she insisted.

"Yeah, I did. Remember the original version? I just had to edit it a lot so that it would be about me and Tristan and our 'love' or whatever. But really, it was about you and how you saved me,"

It wasn't a lie. He hoped that she didn't think he was manipulating her because this was one of the few occasions in his life where no manipulation was involved. Nothing but truth was leaving his mouth, despite his better judgment.

Lola was too kind for his own good and believed that. "Then that's the guy I want," she shrugged. "Not the asshole who rips away our relationship to please his boyfriend. I want the guy who writes a play about me and is proud to be with me,"

"Then you'll get that guy, Lola. I promise,"

A few people who Miles assumed worked at the Cantina entered the room then. They were talking amongst themselves, but still, Lola got up to join them. "I better,"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hi friends!! I'm actually pretty proud of this chapter, so if you could review, that would be great. It's kind of all over the place but that's why relapsing and self hate goes, at least in my world. And since Miles is me, it's his world too.


	4. Summer Lovin'

Miles had spent the remainder of the weekend sleeping. He wanted to be nice and refreshed for Monday morning when he'd see Lola again. He didn't want her to think that the pleasant conversation they'd had was just a one time thing – it was something he wanted every day. Lola was what Miles wanted every day – her calming presence, her kind eyes, her welcoming smile, and maybe, if he was lucky, her gentle arms around him.

Frankie asking if they could give Lola a ride to school that day was the icing on the cake of putting his plan into motion. He was in the bathroom for a good hour getting ready – a half hour longer than usual – playing with his hair until his high standards were met.

"Ugh, you reek," groaned Frankie. She and Hunter were leaning against Miles's car, both ignoring each other.

The comment didn't bother Miles. He'd specifically worn this cologne because Lola had told him once that he should wear it more. He needed to impress her in every single aspect, considering the last time she'd seen him he was half dead.

"What's with the get up?" Hunter asked, motioning to his outfit. It wasn't out of the ordinary for Miles to be dressed nice, but perhaps Hunter was referring to the past couple weeks he'd spent dressing more sloppy than usual.

"Guess I'm just feeling more myself," he unlocked the car doors so that his siblings could settle themselves in. "One relationship ends, another begins,"

"What poor guy or girl do we need to warn?" asked Frankie.

Miles's face turned slightly red and he could only hope his sister hadn't noticed. He shouldn't have even mentioned anything about a new relationship when Frankie would never approve of him and Lola together. Lola had said something the other day about that being an issue, but he hadn't thought much of it at the time. It wasn't as if Miles had ever had an issue liking someone who was friends with Frankie. More often than not, she'd caught him making out with one of her girl friends in the pool. But things had changed somewhat recently – he didn't want to be her playboy older brother who's conquests would drop Frankie the second he got bored of them. He was supposed to be somewhat of a paternal figure in her life, and Miles could only imagine how he would've felt if his own paternal figure began dating his best friend. A chill went up his spine at the thought.

"No one," he answered quickly, putting the key in the ignition. "Yet. Any new boy in your sights, Frankenstein?"

Changing the subject to Frankie's life was bound to get her off the topic of his own, Miles thought, and he was right, because Frankie spent the next five minutes going on about Jonah and Grace as a couple. Every so often, Hunter interjected with a comment like "but they make sense together" or "isn't stalking Jonah what got you in trouble with him in the first place?" And then as a comeback, Frankie asked if Lola sitting next to him in the car would give him another boner.

"Wait, what?" said Miles, feigning a chuckle.

Hunter hit Frankie in the arm for telling his secret. "Nothing,"

"I don't think getting it up for a girl you're not dating is nothing,"

"It happened when they were working on their vlog thing. Lola said she spilled food on him and when she looked down, there it was!" Frankie laughed loudly, making Hunter hit her again. He was blushing badly, and looked like he was going to throw up at the memory.

He wasn't the only one.

The thought of his brother getting a boner for a girl he'd previously been inside of was too gross for Miles to even laugh about it. Especially because said the girl was the girl of his dreams and the girl he was trying so desperately to impress. Still, he pretended to giggle along with Frankie to hide his true feelings.

"You better not bring that up when we get there,"

"Oh, I think something else will be brought up," said Frankie, laughing harder this time. The sound made Miles genuinely smile this time.

What made him smile even more was the sight of Lola waiting in her driveway for them.

As the car pulled in, Lola hurried towards them, her hair bouncing just the way he liked. Normally when they gave Lola rides to school, Hunter would get out and take the front seat so that the girls could gossip in the back. This time, she slid right in next to Miles. His heart practically beat right out of his chest – Lola still liked him. Despite how fucked up he'd been the other day, their conversation had meant something to her. She was choosing him over girl talk with Frankie. A thousand fantasies ran through his mind, all about him and Lola together in his car in the future. She's kissing him hello, she's telling him animated stories, and they're fooling around . . .

"Miles! Hello? We're gonna be late!"

Frankie's voice forced him back into reality. He hadn't realized that he'd been daydreaming for longer than a few seconds. "Yeah, sorry," he shrugged it off, taking the car out of park.

He could've sworn he'd seen Lola smirk from the corner of his eye. Still, though, all of her attention was turned to Frankie and she was chatting with her from the front. Hunter was staring at the window, his backpack in his lap, ignoring everything they were saying. Miles felt the same way. He didn't want to hear about Tiny and Shay or about Zig and Esme making out in class – he wanted Lola to talk to _him._ But that was never gonna happen with Frankie around.

What could he do to get her attention? He couldn't just start talking to her like he would in private. But still, Lola was clearly still interested in him. Maybe all he needed to do was say a few words and he'd be able to get a reaction from her.

Miles decided the best option was to listen to the conversation.

". . . I just hope Shay realizes what Tiny graduating means. He's not gonna be around forever and like, I know he cares about her, but is he really gonna stay around here for a high school girl?" said Frankie.

"Well, I thought he cared about me and look how that turned out. There's no way they're going to stay Shiny. They're going to go back to just being Shay and Tiny," Lola said, clearly bitter.

"How do you know for sure?" asked Miles, positive he was butting in at the right moment.

"Because Tiny's a boy. You're the one always saying that high school boys are stupid," Frankie noted.

He nodded. "Yeah, but maybe he's changed. I know you're saying he hurt you in the past, Lola, but maybe it's different with Shay. Maybe he wants to change for her, be a better man for her,"

Miles turned to look at her for a second to see if what he was really saying was sinking in. From the tiny smile on her face, it was.

"You don't even like Tiny," Hunter said in his usual grumpy tone. "Why are you defending him?"

"I don't know, actually. You know, if he and Shay did break up, you think he'd be into guys?" he winked at Hunter and both he and Frankie groaned. Lola seemed to think it was funny and she giggled.

He'd made her laugh. Just like old times.

They arrived at the school with ten minutes to spare. Hunter practically jetted to the building as soon as they were parked. Miles made a point of running to the other side of the car to open the door for Frankie, so that he could also open the door for Lola without it looking too suspicious.

Still though, Frankie noticed. "When did you learn to be a gentleman?"

"Just trying to be a better man," he responded and winked at Lola when his sister had her back turned.

Lola looked up at him with wide-eyed wonder for the smallest of seconds before wiping the look off her face.

The two girls practically skipped away, arm in arm. It was stupid, but Miles couldn't help but feel envious of Frankie. Especially because a few months ago, Lola would've proudly held his arm in public – he was the one who would've been ashamed. And now things had completely switched. Well, maybe not completely. Lola still had some feelings for him if sitting beside him and the obscure looks she'd given him were any indication.

All he needed now was to do something big for her to get her to trust him again. Looking pretty wasn't going to win her heart.

Miles spent the first two periods thinking about what Lola had said to him. "I want the guy who writes a play about me and is proud to be with me." It wasn't like he could really do the second part since she wouldn't take him back. You can't be proud to be with someone if you aren't together. For a second, Miles considered that maybe he could just treat her like a girlfriend in public, but that idea would never work. He didn't know how Lola would feel about Frankie knowing about them and didn't want to test it. Okay, so then there was being the guy who wrote a play about her. He could always do that for her again but it seemed lame and done before, mostly because it had been. Miles internally kicked himself for doing that because it would've been the perfect romantic gesture. What was more romantic than a play?  
A musical.

The thought came to him out of nowhere and for the first time in forever, he felt that he'd come up with a good idea. Yes, that was perfect. Write a musical about Lola, for Lola. Perform it in front of the entire school and show everyone what's inside your heart without actually having to say it was about her. Frankie and Hunter could see it and remain oblivious. It would be something just for the two of them, but Lola would still be able to feel special.

He began jotting down every idea he could think of relating to the musical. It must've looked like some pretty impressive note taking to Armstrong, because he was bothering Miles far less than he normally would. Math was about the farthest thing from his mind. Instead, he was trying to remember every musical he'd ever sat through for a girl or for Tristan and how he could write something better. Like that fucking stupid Summer Loving song or whatever from _Grease._ He could write something like that! That sounded like them, sort of? Lola would think it was the most romantic thing ever. His heart was soaring just thinking about her reaction.

* * *

At lunch, Miles found Jonah and Grace eating by their lockers. He wasn't particularly fond of Jonah after how he'd broken Frankie's heart, but he didn't have any other options. They'd helped him produce the play, they'd be the perfect people to help with the musical.

The couple were sharing headphones and nodding together when Miles approached them. He coughed into his hand to get their attention.

"Look who's back from the dead," said Grace, obviously referring to his long absence from both school and social circles.

"Hello to you, too,"

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Hollingsworth?" asked Jonah. "You're not here to relay a message from your sister, are you?"

Miles tried not to roll his eyes at the question, unsure if it had been genuine or sarcastic. "No. Actually, I'm here for me. Well, for you. I have a proposition for you both,"

Grace gagged. "Pass,"

"I'm flattered that you'd think of me like that, Grace, really," he winked at her and she gagged again. "No, but really, I want you guys to help me with something."

There was a pause, all three waiting for someone to talk first. Jonah finally did. "Okay. Go on."

"So our play totally kicked ass, right? I was thinking, why not one up it? The spring musical is around the corner and I've got a pretty good idea –"

"Yeah, no. Musicals aren't my thing," said Jonah.

"Mine either,"

"Okay, then it doesn't have to be a musical! Maybe it could be like – like a rock opera. All the scenery and the costumes start off mostly black anyway, so having a rock vibe to it would be cool,"

Jonah and Grace exchanged looks. "Listening," said Grace.

Miles sat down across from them and crossed his legs. "I can write the lyrics, but I don't know how to write music. I was thinking you guys could do that. And I want the show to be epic, so we'd need a big cast. But, once people hear I'm directing it, I doubt sign ups will be a problem," Jonah rolled his eyes at that. Miles continued on regardless. "It's about this boy. Everything in his life has always sucked and he's a mopey mess who fucks everything up but then this one day, this girl walks in and everything changes. His life goes from black and white to rainbows. But then he learns that the girl is a princess and he's just some schmuck who's never going to deserve her. So he fights all the dragons and the bad guys in the kingdom and wins her heart,"

"I don't know," said Grace.

"Yeah, what is it, like a fairytale?" questioned Jonah.

Miles shook his head. "No, all that's a metaphor. They go to high school. The kingdom is the high school. The dragons and the bad guys are just all the people who stand in their way – their families, their friends, their exes. And princess is just another way of saying that she's like . . . really out of his league or whatever,"

He hoped that they would understand what he was trying to say. Coming out of his mouth, it didn't sound as amazing as it had in his head. But the emotion and the passion were still there.

"And you want there to be rock songs accompanying it? So then the costumes would be really out there too?" Grace raised her eyebrow.

"Well, yeah. Isn't that usually what musicals – rock operas – have?"

"Can I design the costumes?" asked Grace.

"Yeah! Of course," He was going to say anything to get this show produced. Nothing else mattered.

Grace turned to Jonah again. "Show us a script first," said Jonah. "We're not giving you a final answer until we see what we have to work with,"

"So that's a maybe?" Miles's face lit up.

Jonah shrugged. "I guess,"

And then Miles got up and skipped away like Frankie and Lola had earlier. Things were turning around for him. Everything was coming together.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I'm lazy and barely editting this. Please review if you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Hi lovelies! This is my dream season four that will probably never happen, and I thought because I'm semi-okay at writing Degrassi, I should gift this to my fellow Miles/Lola shippers who wish for a better relationship for our boy.


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